Nov 30, 2008

Drunk Driving

Sorry, this is not a post about one of The Mafiosos drunk driving. It's actually about me driving drunk.

Yesterday, I was pulled over by a CHP officer less than three blocks from my house for running a stop sign. I wasn't about to argue with the officer that it was 100% impossible for me to run the stop sign since it's at a major intersection and I was making a left turn. I was going to just accept my ticket and be on my merry way.

At least that was the plan until the officer decided that I was driving impaired. Uh huh, you read that right--he accused me of driving drunk to Safeway. It wasn't that I had alcohol on my breath...I had car carpets that smelled of alcohol.

Earlier that morning, I decided to clean my carpets thoroughly. The day I brought home Blue from the vet's, Blue defecated and vomited all over my passenger side carpets after she escaped from her carrier. No matter what I tried, I could not get the smell out. As a last resort, I decided to try a no-foam carpet cleaner. Boy do I ever regret trying that product!

When the office approached my window, he said my car smelled extremely a lot like alcohol. He made me step outside of the car and perform six sobriety tests. After the fourth one, I got really irritated and started to smart off. I proclaimed that I would next calculate square roots and recite the base pairs of DNA in order to prove I was not inebriated!

I understand he had a job to do, but it should have been fairly clear that I was NOT drunk after the third test. He threatened to take me in for a Breathalyzer. . .that's when I almost lost it. I had to take a very deep breath and do my best to speak calmly.

I explained about my use of the no-foam carpet cleaner. He claimed he'd never heard of such a product. He was suspicious that it smelled too closely to alcohol. I wanted to shout "That's because YOU are a MAN who doesn't know shit about fruity- smelling cleaning products!!" I had enough common sense not to shout that.

Finally, he agreed that I was not driving impaired and wrote my ticket. If you ever want to know what a roadside sobriety test entails, ask away! I know at least six of them now!

I will never again drive under the influence of no-foam carpet cleaners. It's not worth the trouble!

What do you think? Do you think the CHP went a little overkill?


  1. That is the most hilarious but ridiculous pull over story I've ever heard!! In all honesty, do those no foam carpet cleaners really smell alcoholly? Really? He was probably nearing the end of his shift and realized he wasn't even close to the amount of arrests that he should have. So, he tried really hard for you to be drunk. What a dork!! Chris was just talking to us about this sort of thing.

  2. I think he was probably just doing his job, albeit exuberantly and thought he had a 'live' one. He was probably pissed he spent so much time on someone with alcohol carpet!

  3. I didn't think it smelled like alcohol! Ryan took a whiff of my car's interior and he said it smells a little like wine coolers. It must be the fruity scent.

    As hard as he tried, it was impossible for me to be drunk when I hadn't had a drop of booze! ;-)

  4. Susan (cookiemonster)November 30, 2008 at 2:06 PM

    hehehe, still funny! :)

  5. Once I was pulled over for the same reason. The cop thought I was drunk. Well I was driving on the wrong side of the road but I was sober. I had to go through all the field tests and what not. Well I have brain cancer and that ended up making me night blind. I had no idea that was the issue. I thought I was on the right side of the road. Cops get super mad when they figure out they can't arrest you it's like an ego thing. Glad everything ended up ok.

  6. And the epidemic of DWHCF ("Driving While Having Clean Floormats") continues unabated ...

  7. Fuck the police....just quote'n Ice Cube

  8. Cops love to harass people, and especially over holiday weekends! yes, he went overboard big time! In my opinion they usually do!

  9. Could that Anonymous comment have been left by an RLW? Just saying?

  10. Well, let's see..we have four possibly guilty RLW's that we can choose from. ;-)

    I have admit though, that comment made me laugh so hard!

    It also made me think "9-1-1 is a joke in your town!"


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